Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Today 27th May 08, going to 28th was a unforgettable night for me, it was a night where I got beaten by my elder brother, however the main point is not about the punches, its about reflections. It’s sort of a misunderstood, he was having a headache when I walk into the room and began singing, he warned me of his headache, but I talked back at first. This is something that some parts of the world is still fighting about, “Equality”. I talked to him about it, why elder brothers can’t be fair to his younger brother? Why he can scold people about a mistake which he himself makes and does not accept people scolding him the same way as he does? He being to get woke up, he got off his bed and walked onto my bed with his fist clenched, my sister tried to stop him but to no avail, he delivered a few hard blows to me which were gathered over the years. Within the 7 to 10 second of continuous beating, he lost my respect. Not for the reason that I feel pain from the blows, but because he lost himself, I admit he was also having a hard time trying to bear with me, but he shouldn’t have just lose it simply because of a sentence that I said to him about “Equality”. I would admit that the blows were really painful, and Im really scared at that time, but I swear to god if I ever died then, I would not be saying like “I forgive you because you’re my brother”, I will be cursing and swearing at him from hell, simply because he didn’t give me the equality I have being asking for over the years. Things like him using up to 14 hours of computer and does not allow me to use, and I remembered I left home for an outdoor activities and he uses the computer, when I return home and asked to use the computer he told me, you were also enjoying yourself outside wad.. fair”, ok I accepted, then it came to the day when he left to go out to play, he reached home and tell me fuck off from the computer, I said the same thing as he said to me, and he just say “fuck off.. 5 , 4 , 3, 2, 1”.. I just left and let him use. It’s not like I expect 100% fairness from him, I know its impossible, but why he can’t even give me a 50% fairness? Back to that night, i said “now you telling me this, when last time I wanted to sleep coz I need to wake up early the next morning you blasted songs for an hour ignoring the fact that I requested the music to be turned off” He replied now im having a headache, and Im thinking, you are having headache, then what about me? I’m having 4 hours of sleep and you are eating into my sleeping time! So I just kept quiet to let him sleep. Then comes my sister who started telling me astronomy stuff, and im the kind with loud voice, I really forgotten about his headache and began chatting with my sister over it. He thought I did it on purpose, he said it indirectly, its not because of the light. That’s when I said about equality and got beaten. I got beaten till I was between the bed and the wall, almost dropping to the floor. While he was punching me hard, I managed to looked at his face, it was not the face I used to see a few years back then, his eye was devoured in hatred, you could see from his eyes that he sort of lose his mind. Thanks to my sister he stopped attacking, or I could seriously say, he can’t control himself from punching me. I would REALLY have been dead or in ICU then. Maybe he can’t tell his strength when he is overwhelmed by anger. In that few seconds, I just keep blocking and say sorry repeatedly, I know it lowers my ego, but no choice. While punching, he kept scolding vulgarities that attracted dad and mum’s attention, they came in to see that im crouching in front of my brother whose fist was in the air. My dad wanted to beat him up but all of us stopped him, because we know SB would really really be beaten to death or what. I lied that my brother did not punch me, at that time I know it makes me sound cheap to protect someone who just beaten me, but I can only say I wanted to protect him. But meanwhile my mum who was already down with fever was shocked with the whole incident. I coud really see how much a mother loves her son when she who can’t even walk properly tried to stop my dad from beating my brother. My brother was as usual not afraid of anything, but he still stared at me with that look, gives me the feeling he wants to kill me on the spot. My right arm was very pain, I had bruises on my head too, I don’t feel the pain then because deep inside me, it’s even more painful. I started thinking of beautiful pictures of our family, the times me and my brother got together to bully my sisters and so on. I started to cry, its ridiculous for a man to cry but I really didn’t cry over the pain, but over our broken relationship. My brother all of a suddenly said to me in front of my mum and my sister after my dad left, that he would still beat me up in the future if he had the chance to. At that moment, I froze, everything seem very wrong to me. It was not the first time I got beaten, but all the other times he gave me 1 punch and that’s it, this is the first time I got beaten by him inhumanly like a berserker. Luckily I had a sister who is really wise, can really think well, she said a lot of things that make my angry brother cooled down, indeed she deserved my respect. My mum cried too, she’s very sad about how things turned out between me and my brother, she witnessed how our relationship turned sour over the years. I could only say, technology is heavily responsible for all these. My sister mentioned about what happens if I died, my mum would go suicide, my father would ( I swear) use a knife to kill my brother, my sister would go crazy and this whole family is destroy in a night. To thought of it, its really scary, I could only imagine how fragile is a person’s life.. I imagined the moment I died, I’m staring at my brother from my dead body, how frightened he would have got, perhaps not over my death but how he actually killed another man. I keep thinking to myself, I shall boycott him forever, but a lot of memories went through my mind, memories of how I make myself so cheap by approaching him after quarrels. The times when he approach me ( in my short term memory) was that, “shenglong, do you remember our maple passport password?” and other stuff. I appreciated that as well. But I realized something, no matter how I tried to boycott him each time, it always fails. I could only say, he’s really being a wonderful brother, he taught me right from wrong, always out to protect me, ensures im not alone outside, ensures I have truthful friends, I have money to eat and so on, he always sort of listening to my order as if im the king, just to make me happy. I would not say that that night he’s in the wrong, but I really couldn’t bring myself to forgive him too, I guess that few seconds that he pounded me has carved a deep memory in my childhood. The pain was instant, but the cut was forever. At this time I had the urge to tell mum “I’m sorry”, I really hated myself for making so much noise when my brother beat me up, otherwise she would have still being sleeping and recovering from fever. Frankly, even if im much stronger than my brother, or even if I had the slightest of 0.01% chance to beat him up, I would not, for the reason being that I do not want to hate myself or regret, I would rather he be the one who regret all the time, say I’m selfish if you want to. He called me ah gua, goo niang when I said to him about brotherhood, so I don’t give a dam about it anymore then. After the whole incident, he does not seem to feel sorry, I would have also expected it, I know him inside out over the years. Maybe as an elder brother, there is some kind of pride that you can’t let go, I don’t know because I’m never one. But I guess it takes a long time for things to smooth out, by then, we would have been in different walks of life, hardly had time for each other. Its alright if he no longer treats me as a brother, I’m sort of not bother anymore, he can just beat me up someday for all I care then.
~me~ at 10:14 AM